Most au pair placements that fall apart don’t fail because of bad people. They fail because nobody took the time to spell out what “good” actually looks like. One family thinks the au pair should handle all the laundry. The au pair thinks they’re only responsible for the kids’ clothes. Three weeks in, someone’s upset, and it could’ve been avoided with one honest conversation.
Setting clear expectations from day one isn’t about being controlling or rigid. It’s about making sure everyone knows what success means so the small stuff doesn’t snowball into placement-ending problems.
Why the First Week Sets the Tone
The first few days feel awkward for everyone. The au pair is jet-lagged, homesick, and trying to figure out where the cereal bowls live. Parents are second-guessing whether they explained enough (or too much), and kids are testing boundaries with this new person in their space.
Here’s the thing: what happens in that first week becomes the default. If the au pair starts putting the kids to bed at 8:30 because nobody mentioned the 7:30 rule, that’s now the routine they think is correct. If they’re doing dishes after every meal because they want to be helpful, but that’s not actually part of their duties, they might start resenting it when it becomes an expectation.
The window to set things straight is narrow. After a month, habits are formed. After two months, course-correcting feels more confrontational than it needs to be.
Start With a Written Agreement (Even If It Feels Formal)
Talking through expectations is great. Writing them down is better. Not because anyone’s trying to build a legal case, but because memory is unreliable when emotions get involved. When a misunderstanding happens three months in, having a shared document to reference makes everything less personal.
This doesn’t need to be a formal contract. A shared Google Doc works fine. The point is creating a reference both sides agreed to when everyone was calm and thinking clearly. For families looking to avoid these common pitfalls, working with an experienced placement service such as Go Au Pair can help establish clear frameworks and provide ongoing support throughout the placement.
Cover the basics first: work hours, days off, childcare responsibilities, household tasks (if any), car usage, curfew (if applicable for younger au pairs), and house rules that matter to your family. Be specific. “Help keep the house tidy” means different things to different people. “Put toys back in the bins before dinner” doesn’t.
Define What Childcare Actually Means in Your House
This is where assumptions cause the most damage. Some families expect their au pair to plan activities, pack lunches, help with homework, and manage the kids’ schedules. Others just need someone home while they work upstairs. Both are valid, but the au pair needs to know which family they’re working for.
Break it down by time of day if that helps. What does a typical morning look like? What happens after school? Are weekends different? Who handles discipline when behavior issues come up? Can the au pair take the kids to the park alone, or do parents prefer to be there?
Also clarify what’s not part of the job. Most au pair programs don’t include deep cleaning, cooking for adults, or pet care unless specifically agreed upon. If those things aren’t expected, say so. If they are expected (within program limits), put them in writing.
Talk About Communication Styles Early
Some families want a daily rundown of how the day went. Others trust things are fine unless they hear otherwise. Some au pairs will speak up immediately when something feels off. Others will stay quiet until they’re so frustrated they’re ready to leave.
Neither approach is wrong, but mismatched communication styles create distance fast. A family that values directness might think their au pair is doing fine when really they’re miserable but too polite to say anything. An au pair who prefers space might feel micromanaged by parents who just want to stay in the loop.
Have this conversation explicitly. How should concerns get brought up? Is texting during the day okay, or does that feel intrusive? Should bigger issues wait for a weekly check-in, or should they get addressed right away? Agreeing on this prevents the “I didn’t know you were upset” conversation down the line.
Be Honest About the Hard Stuff
Every family has quirks. Maybe one kid has sensory issues and dinnertime is always a battle. Maybe the house is chaotic and laundry piles up. Maybe parents work unpredictable hours and sometimes need last-minute coverage. These aren’t dealbreakers for most au pairs, but they need to know what they’re walking into.
The temptation is to downplay challenges during the matching process because nobody wants to scare off candidates. But that just means the au pair shows up unprepared and feels blindsided when reality doesn’t match what they were told. Better to be upfront and find someone who’s genuinely okay with your family’s situation than to trap someone in a placement they didn’t sign up for.
Build in Regular Check-Ins
Even with everything spelled out perfectly on day one, things shift. Kids grow and need different types of support. Work schedules change. The au pair gets more comfortable and confident. What worked in month one might not work in month six.
Schedule a time each week (or every other week) to talk about what’s going well and what needs adjusting. Keep it casual, but make it consistent. This prevents issues from festering and gives both sides permission to bring up small concerns before they become big ones.
These check-ins also create space to celebrate wins. When the au pair handles a tough situation beautifully or goes above and beyond, acknowledging it matters. When parents are flexible about time off or help the au pair navigate something tricky, hearing “thank you” makes a difference.
What to Do When Expectations Aren’t Being Met
Even with the best setup, sometimes things slip. The au pair forgets to buckle the toddler’s car seat properly. Parents keep asking for help outside agreed-upon hours. A house rule keeps getting ignored.
Address it quickly, but don’t make it bigger than it is. “Hey, I noticed [specific thing]. Can we make sure [correct way] happens going forward?” is usually enough. Most people want to do well; they just need to know what doing well actually means in this particular house.
If the same issue keeps happening, revisit the written agreement together. Maybe it wasn’t as clear as everyone thought. Maybe circumstances changed and the original plan doesn’t fit anymore. Adjusting expectations isn’t failure—it’s just part of making a placement work long-term.
The Bottom Line
Setting clear expectations from day one isn’t about being uptight or controlling every detail. It’s about giving everyone involved the information they need to succeed. Au pairs want to do a good job. Parents want their kids well cared for and their household running smoothly. None of that happens by accident.
The families who have great au pair experiences aren’t lucky. They’re intentional. They put in the effort early to communicate clearly, they check in regularly, and they adjust when something’s not working. That’s the difference between a placement that limps along and one that genuinely makes family life better for everyone involved.
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