Three episodes into Bachelorette Jenn Tran’s pursuit of a “ferocious love,” tension among her male suitors has noticeably ramped up.
On the July 15 episode, Devin Strader faced backlash from two fellow contestants who accused him of monopolizing Tran’s time in group settings. Aaron Erb confronted Strader for his “childish” antics and insisted he lacked “the depth to be with a girl like Jenn.” Strader pushed back with phrases like “That’s your lens” and “I’m not placing judgment on you.” Erb responded by giving him a book on emotional intelligence.
“I brought this with me. It’s my own book,” Erb told Strader. “It’s helped me grow as a person. I want to see you win. … I’m giving you a different perspective.”
Later that night, Thomas Nguyen pulled Strader aside and reprimanded him for stealing Tran first, this time during the cocktail party. Strader accused Nguyen of “objectifying Jenn” and then asserted that he’s “not out here looking for validation from this group.”
Between criticizing one another for their lack of emotional intelligence or using phrases like “Your manifesting is delusional” and “Be careful how you handle yourself” to prove their points, one detail is coming into focus: These men are big fans of “therapy-speak.”
What is “therapy-speak?”
Therapy-speak is recognized as the colloquial use of words or phrases that are commonly said by mental health professionals during a session with a client. Buzz words like “trauma” or “gaslighting,” for instance, are now being used regularly by people in everyday conversations.
The normalization of therapy-speak, according to Kalie Pham, a Los Angeles-based marriage and family therapist, corresponds with the rise of mental health-related content on social media.
“Social media has played a major role in this shift by making psychological concepts, self-care practices and mental health discussions more accessible and widespread,” she told Yahoo Entertainment. “There’s a growing acceptance and encouragement of emotional expression among men in particular, which might explain why the use of these phrases among men may be more visible now compared to traditional expectations of emotional suppression and the ‘tough guy’ mindset.”
In a reality television environment, the use of therapeutic language can also be manipulated for personal gain.
“It seems like therapy-speak becomes another way for these suitors to prove their manhood — and to ‘win’ the game and the girl,” Grace Kang, an associate professor of American studies at the University of Davis, California, told Yahoo Entertainment. “Knowing how to wield this capital becomes just another way to gain a competitive edge in these men’s performance of self.”
Exhibiting emotional intelligence, Kang explained, can impact a potential partner’s willingness to invest their time and effort into getting to know someone romantically.
“Jenn uses a lot of therapy-speak to talk about the toxicity of her own past relationships, and it really sets up a narrative that she needs a man who, like her, has done the ‘work’ of understanding who he is and is ready for a ‘real’ relationship,” she said. “For these men, being emotionally intelligent becomes a readily available cultural script to show that they’ve done the ‘work’ too and are ready to meet Jenn where she is.”
In The Bachelorette universe, there appears to be this presumed correlation between therapy-speak and masculinity. Whether a contestant can be considered a “man” versus a “boy” — or someone who is not ready to commit to Tran — hinges on his use of therapy-speak and level of emotional intelligence, at least in the eyes of his competitors.
“We could imagine a reality in which therapy-speak is stigmatized, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here,” Marissa Fond, an assistant teaching professor at Georgetown University’s department of linguistics, told Yahoo Entertainment. “These men are competing to win a dating show, and demonstrating fluency with these terms seems to be one way to send the message, ‘I’m a good man, I’m a valuable partner.’”
Keeping in mind that this is reality television and that not everything viewers see is completely authentic, it’s hard to determine how much of Erb’s interaction with Strader was staged. Pham told Yahoo that Erb’s reason for giving Strader the self-help book seems disingenuous.
“While this appears supportive and insightful on the surface, it can also be manipulative by subtly imposing superiority, passing judgment, potentially undermining Devin’s autonomy or self-confidence and ending in a subtle threat,” she told Yahoo. “In the case of this game-like environment, contestants might strategically use therapeutic language to undermine or discredit their competitors, portraying them as emotionally immature or lacking self-awareness.”
The ‘medicalization’ of language
From a linguistic standpoint, the rise in using therapy-speak on The Bachelorette can be attributed to what’s known as medicalization.
“[Medicalization] is a social process in which a problem or experience becomes defined as a medical issue and is then treated as such,” Fond said. “There are many ways that we medicalize, and one way is through language — especially labeling or naming.”
Being able to use therapeutic language to medicalize one’s self or someone else, Fond explained, can be seen as prestigious and authoritative.
“When something is medicalized, it can feel more ‘real’ or more serious, especially in societies in which the authority and expertise of the medical field carry a lot of prestige,” she continued. “I think a lot of therapy-speak can be explained this way. If I label someone’s actions (or my own) with therapy-speak, I’m borrowing the seriousness and definitiveness of medical diagnosis for my claim.”
But using mental health phrases to claim superiority can only get a contestant so far. Alyse Rose, a Los Angeles-based therapist and clinical social worker, said that it seems as though the men who accuse others of immaturity and “not being here for the right reasons” are in fact not emotionally intelligent.
“In watching these men on the show, they actually aren’t embodying emotional intelligence at all,” Rose said. “It’s clear their egos, insecurities and competition are at play, rather than focusing on making a connection with Jenn and allowing her to make her own decisions.”
At the end of the July 22 episode, Tran confronts the remaining men after her final conversation with Erb, who, before leaving the show for personal reasons, insinuates that some of the contestants aren’t focused on building a genuine connection with her.
“I need you guys to sit here and really think about it because this is my life,” she said. “I’ve made the wrong decisions in the past and I’m not going to do that anymore. If you think that this is not the place that you should be, then you need to get out.”
